Peeing...

Please be aware that I have no shame and I am perfectly comfortable talking about bodily functions. This will occasionally filter into the blog.

So after I watch an episode of The X-Factor, I drive to the gym and as I'm walking up the stairs to the front door, I'm getting nervous. 'I'm going to scan my card and lights will flash because they're going to see that I haven't been to the gym all week.' Card scanned, nothing happens. Now I'm offended. 'Apparently they don't care that I haven't been all week. Thanks for all the great support!'.

I walk down the stairs into the locker room and get changed into my gym clothes. As I leave, I briefly think I may need to pee before I start. Someone is already using the urinal, so I decide to leave, but not before I notice something strange. Being that most people wear pants or shorts with some sort of elastic waistband, I have found that the easiest way is just to pull down the front of my shorts and do my business. Apparently this guy has found a better way because he goes up through the left leg of his shorts. I have never seen this done before and I'll be honest: it was weird.

I go to the stationary bike and start my workout The good old stationary bike that never lets me down. There is nothing confusing about sitting and pedaling. I don't even have to press any buttons on the bike. It just assumes I know what I'm doing. I just pedal and lip-sync to all my gym jams. What a great name for a playlist, btdubs.

11 minutes in to the ride, I realize I have to pee. The question is, do I hold it for the next 14 minutes, or do I finish the ride and then go? I don't like either option, so I just pee my pants. Just kidding. I wait until I finish and then speed walk to the bathroom. And no, I don't try going up through the leg.

After my bathroom break I head to the weight room, which is once again full of men in much better shape than me. I do some free weights and minimal machines because of an article someone sent me over Facebook that warned of the perils of some machines. Back, shoulders, biceps and triceps, all in time to get home and shower before the new season of Parks and Recreation starts.

Lessons...

I really need a gym bag, because I keep a) forgetting to bring things to the gym and b) keep losing things when I leave the gym. The other day at Target I buy a pair of really awesome hot pink ear-bud head phone because why shouldn't you be a little flashy at the gym? I lose them two days later. Or someone steals them. But I'm pretty sure I just lose them.

In an embarrassing turn of events, I neglect to wash my gym clothes and have to come up with an alternative work-out outfit. I find a pair of shorts that I really only use to sleep in and an old t-shirt to wear, but I basically end up looking like a hot dog because the shorts are red and the shirt is yellow. And now a hot dog sounds delicious and all I can think about is eating one. No hot dogs. Just gym.

I get to the gym after watching The X-Factor and put my stuff in the locker room when I realize that I have once again forgotten my towel. I don't think it's going to be a big deal because my plan is to stick to the weight room today.

Upon entering the weight room, I notice that it is much more crowded than usual. Instead of one lone person, there are now 5-6 beefy guys that look like they've been going to the gym since they were able to walk. And one of them has brought some ditsy looking woman who doesn't touch a single piece of equipment. Apparently you need arm candy even at the gym.

I try to ignore everyone as I work my arms and shoulders until I'm good and sore, but another variable comes into play that I didn't expect. Before I left for the gym, I had a little ice cream to celebrate my successes of the week. And by a little, I mean more than I should have had, and I am now feeling it. For those of you who might be curious, I can now say with complete confidence that you do not want to be lifting weight while you feel queasy.