Determination...

So I get home from work and after watching the series premiere of Modern Family and throwing my workout clothes into the washing machine, I decide to do yoga. Now, in the last few weeks of doing yoga, I've never been able to complete the workout without having to rest at some point during most of the exercises. Today, however, I complete the whole video without giving up on a motion once. Bam. I gotta say, I feel pretty awesome when I'm finished. But it instantly goes away because I realize I have left a lovely sweat spot on the carpet and I instantly become discouraged knowing that I'll have to clean that up, later.

But I won't be doing that right now because I am a sweaty mess and I need to rest. I toss my washed clothes into the dryer and realize, with much dismay, that I have sent my hot pink earbuds through the wash. But I test them out and they appear to still be working. Now I have to waste time while my clothes dry. I decide to browse the interweb for for a while and read up on some great butt exercises that I can do at home without the use of machines. I then go to get my workout clothes out of the dryer. Unfortunately my normal workout shirt has stuck itself to the wall of the washing machine and has not made it into the dryer. So basically, I sat around for nothing.

I grab a different shirt, throw on my shorts and head to the gym, because a wet shirt isn't going to stop me, today. I feel too awesome. I get on the bike when I get to the gym because I'm feeling adventurous. 25 minutes and a full bike dance routine to Want U Back by Cher Lloyd later, I head to the weight room for a day of legs. I use the calf machine, because I now know how. I'd love to give someone a tutorial if they'd like to come to the gym with me, sometime.

Then, I go to the glute machine, which is especially difficult, today. Maybe because I literally have no clue what my starting weight should be when I use a machine. They should have guidelines printed on the machine. Like, is it awesome that I can do 115 pounds on the triceps machine or is that below average. And what should I start with when I do bench presses to ensure I don't die when I try to lift it? When I'm done on the glute machine, some old guy comes up and asks what the machine is for. It's totes awkward to talk to an old guy about a machine that works your butt. 

I do a few more exercises and when I get up to grab a cloth to wipe down the machine, old guy swoops in and starts to use it. Enjoy that, old guy. You're sitting in my butt sweat.

In case you were worried that I was too attractive while at the gym...

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Peeing...

Please be aware that I have no shame and I am perfectly comfortable talking about bodily functions. This will occasionally filter into the blog.

So after I watch an episode of The X-Factor, I drive to the gym and as I'm walking up the stairs to the front door, I'm getting nervous. 'I'm going to scan my card and lights will flash because they're going to see that I haven't been to the gym all week.' Card scanned, nothing happens. Now I'm offended. 'Apparently they don't care that I haven't been all week. Thanks for all the great support!'.

I walk down the stairs into the locker room and get changed into my gym clothes. As I leave, I briefly think I may need to pee before I start. Someone is already using the urinal, so I decide to leave, but not before I notice something strange. Being that most people wear pants or shorts with some sort of elastic waistband, I have found that the easiest way is just to pull down the front of my shorts and do my business. Apparently this guy has found a better way because he goes up through the left leg of his shorts. I have never seen this done before and I'll be honest: it was weird.

I go to the stationary bike and start my workout The good old stationary bike that never lets me down. There is nothing confusing about sitting and pedaling. I don't even have to press any buttons on the bike. It just assumes I know what I'm doing. I just pedal and lip-sync to all my gym jams. What a great name for a playlist, btdubs.

11 minutes in to the ride, I realize I have to pee. The question is, do I hold it for the next 14 minutes, or do I finish the ride and then go? I don't like either option, so I just pee my pants. Just kidding. I wait until I finish and then speed walk to the bathroom. And no, I don't try going up through the leg.

After my bathroom break I head to the weight room, which is once again full of men in much better shape than me. I do some free weights and minimal machines because of an article someone sent me over Facebook that warned of the perils of some machines. Back, shoulders, biceps and triceps, all in time to get home and shower before the new season of Parks and Recreation starts.

Joined...

To celebrate a momentous occasion, I decided to get a gym membership. That momentous occasion was finally getting my own health insurance. And because I get a discount on my gym membership through my insurance provider, I thought, 'why the heck not?' Now, because I am not being paid to plug this gym, I will be omitting it's name. Suffice it to say, it's an "Athletic Club" of sorts in "Beverly". Join and tell them I referred you and I get 5 bucks off my monthly fee. Thanks in advance.

So, I joined the gym. Now, as a fat person, joining a gym is extremely intimidating. It's not like joining Curves for Women. I walk in and it must be workout rush hour because EVERY SINGLE CARDIO MACHINE IS TAKEN by super fit and super attractive people. I almost quit before I even sign up.

The first thing the membership guy asks me when I sit down is "So what are you looking to do?" What do you think a fat person walking into a gym wants to do? 'I've come to walk around and eat donuts in front of everyone.' I could have said that and maybe scored an additional discount for being HILARIOUS. Instead, I  talk about my interest in starting to work out regularly and how I want to find out about membership costs. We discuss and he offers me a tour of the 'facility', to use his lingo.

So I get a tour and all the while I'm being super self-conscious about my body compared to the bodies of all the people who are there. 'I do not have abs like that gentleman,' 'My man-boobs are larger than that woman's real boobs.' But, I'm motivated enough to decide to sign up.

Cut to two and a half hours later when I come back to the gym to actually work out. There's Matt, still sitting in his office. He flashes a smile and gives me two thumbs up. "Back already!" he hollers. Shut up, Skinny Matt. You don't know me.

Downstairs to the Locker Room and on to the cardio room. I guess I'll stationary bike it, tonight. Headphones in, I start pedaling, and some Personal Trainer dude named CJ comes up to me and tries to persuade me to swap to a different bike so our gym can beat another gym in some competition. Step off, CJ. I'm a fat person in a gym. I do not want to be approached.

So I bike 6 miles and lift some weights and leave. All in all, not too crazy of a day.