Apology...

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I have failed you. I had a particularly challenging day at the gym on Saturday and it has forced me to face the reality that I have not fully committed to the process. My intention and focus has slowly wavered. I also can't help but feel that I have been somewhat deceiving and causing you, the reader (however devoted you may be) to believe that I was doing significantly better that I was in reality and for that I apologize. The truth is, it's been hard.

I have been a fat person for practically twenty five years. The process of attempting to lose weight is terrifying because it is exactly that: an attempt. I could fail and based on my motivation as of late it's a more real possibility. That's what I find so terrifying. If I fail after this point, it's because I am a failure. It's easy to cope with being fat when you're not trying to get fit, but when you are trying and it's not working it becomes almost unbearable. 

In truth, I don't know why my motivation is not here. I am being 100% honest when I say I am sick of being fat because I feel like I'm missing out on the more enjoyable parts of life. Why doesn't that make me want to change?

Here's a great plus, though. I not only found my headphones, but I found my old pair of headphones, too. As daunting as it is to get back on the cross trainer after over a week of not working out, the promise of Demi Lovato makes it a little easier. After eight minutes, Justin finds me and we start with some exercises in the gym. He lays out a rope ladder, much like you see football players train with. Side note: if I had played football in high school, I probably could have played in college, maybe been drafted third or fourth string, sat on a bench and made $500,000 a year. This is evidenced by the fact that I actually am really good at the exercises that require the coordination that Justin has me do with this rope ladder. I think it's also helpful that I'm like a really good dancer.

After the rope ladder, we do alternating squats with an exercise ball that I have to throw in the air and pushing basically weighted punching bag down the length of the gym and back twice. I'm fine for the squats, but when I start pushing that bag, I start to feel nauseated. Really bad nauseated. I can make it through another rotation of squats and pushing before I need to stop because I feel like I'm going to puke.

It's really easy to feel awful about yourself when things get difficult and that's exactly what happens. I get mad because I think that I should be able to do this without a problem. I expect to sweat but I don't expect to feel so sick that I have to stop. That's not fun. It's awful when your mind can handle the idea of something but your body simply won't perform. I have to excuse myself not only to get a drink, but because I'm on the verge of tears. After six months at the gym, I expect to be better than this and I'm not and that's depressing.

I think Justin can tell that I'm having a really hard time because when I come back he asks to make sure I'm okay and let's me do things kind of slow. We stop with the punching bag and substitute wall sits instead. He's incredibly nice but he's not going to let me give up, for which I am grateful (don't end a sentence with a preposition yo!). He also becomes incredibly encouraging. This isn't to say he isn't usually encouraging, but instead of the usual "push", "keep going", and "don't stop", it becomes "you got this" and "you're doing great". 

We move into the cardio room for the last exercise, which is a chest and core exercise I've done before, but the nausea comes back and it takes me longer than it should to finish two sets of ten.We make plans for Tuesday and he tells me good job, but it doesn't feel deserved. I did and have done a horrible job. The truth is I could be better and the only thing that has prevented me from making progress is me.

Any person will tell you that when you try to make a lifestyle change, there are ups and downs and I would agree and say the same thing. Based on my experience I have days when I feel like I'm awful and days when I feel like I'm amazing. This was one of the lows, but it's not the end. Who knows how long this is going to take, but I'd like to think I'm in it for the long haul. I always appreciate encouragement, so if you feel so inclined. Either way, I have training tonight so look for another post tomorrow.